Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
