my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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