I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
