I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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