i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
