i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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