i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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