I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
