The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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