Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
