I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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