hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
