You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
