We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
