I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
