Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
