6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
