Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
