I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
