my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
not ubering you a puppy
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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