Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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