I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
