Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
