Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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