I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
