Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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