need another drink. this is the easiest way
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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