My liver just broke up with me...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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