Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
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