Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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