So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
