Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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