one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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