You're my little dorito
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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