They should really pass out barf bags in church
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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