fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize