Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
