I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
