she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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