On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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