I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
there is glitter all over my balls
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