She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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