Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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