hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
