The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
