oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize