She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
