i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
