I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
