the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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