I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize