Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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