In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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