I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Come on in and take your pants off
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