I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
