Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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