I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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