she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think my moral compass just broke
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize