We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
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