i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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