Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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